You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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