i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
