Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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