he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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