Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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