So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
