Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
