Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
