She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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