I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
do herpes really smell.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
