Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
