sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize