Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
