So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
