there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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