Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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