I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
