Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
