i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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