I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am