i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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