gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
