john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Randomize
