The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
