You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
