you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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