The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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