Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
