i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So much rum. So many feels.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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