I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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