My nipple is on Facebook.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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