we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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