What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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