Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
