We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
