Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
