I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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