My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
