her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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