I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
