The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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