I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
