i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
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Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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