Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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