Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
