My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize