I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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