I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
