it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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