It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
