the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Quick, to the slutcave!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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