at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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