Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
