my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
it's great music for shaving your balls
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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