Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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