just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
