He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.