I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
