guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God