i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
