You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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