Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
