ya dads aren't the best wingmen
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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