I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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